"What happens to a dream deferred?"That's on my mind for many reasons. If what I'm about to vent/rant/babble/etc. about seems irrelevant, who cares...
I'm 18 years old. I don't have anything. Sure, I have lots of material things. But, if you know me PERSONALLY, then you know that those things don't mean anything to me. Why do I get them, you ask? Maybe it's because those things are the only things that have ever given me positive attention in my life. I've been a loser all my life, but I've gotten attention for being different and wearing nice clothes (I've stopped overdressing lately, though). I don't feel good unless I have a $500+ outfit on. I watch too much TV. I went to a sneaker website and saw some shoes I've been anticipating the release of and just became so angry because I knew that the likelihood of me purchasing them is low. And I'm not afraid to admit that I'm broke because I never claimed to have extensive amounts of money, despite my expensive attire. Fuck the implications. I got rejected for 3 jobs this summer (I thought I deserved to get each of them, but whatever)... Since I saw those shoes, I applied for more jobs on the internet. If I don't get the job, it's nothing new to me. Then, I think... What would buying lots of clothes do for me? Confidence? The confidence would be wasted... because apparently no one knows me... And if no one knows me... You know where this is going. I don't know what else to do with money anymore.
So, I'm 18 years old. I have a growing goatee... A sex life (sorry, Mom)... Hopefully college bound in a few months... But I have to walk to school this week. And I have to walk home, too. I choose foot it in the morning because I'm too embarrassed to be dropped off in my step-father's work van... I have enough problems, and enough things that people can make fun of me about. I don't need one more insult added to their arsenal. Hmmm... Since my blog is public, I guess I just told everyone. Whatever. I feel ashamed to BE ashamed about the work van in the first place. I mean, I've NEVER really had much (except for when I lived with my dad), but I don't know. And it fckin' sucks that I can't complain about it because I'll get lectures such as, "When I was your age, I had to walk 5 miles in the snow, blah blah fucking blah." Just because your high school years were wack, doesn't mean mine have to be equally as bad. I need a car... Or at least I need to drive to school. Man, my year is going downhill.
Like I said earlier, I don't really have anything. I really dislike the people in my household... And they dislike me back. I put on the biggest front EVER on a day-to-day. And I hate it. It's faker than the smile I had when someone else was crowned homecoming king (pretty fckin' fake). I have no support in anything I do. I have to motivate myself to do everything. EVERYTHING. I know that they don't think I can go to a 4-year university, despite the numerous academic achievements I've received. The deadline for early entry college applications is coming soon (Nov. 1st), and I'm just starting my application process. I think I can make it... And I want to go to college... No, fuck that. I HAVE to go to college. I have to get the fuck out of here. I hate every "hood nigga" in Kansas City, Kansas and every "boss bitch" here, too. Washington, D.C. or Atlanta isn't going to be any better, but, hey. Whatever.
But... What DOES happen to a dream deferred?
Many of my dreams have been put on hold or eliminated because of various setbacks.
I had potential to be the valedictorian of my future graduating class... Then I experienced attraction to and from girls.
I had potential to be an NCAA basketball player. Then I came to Kansas City...
I had potential to be shirtless and not be ashamed of what people were seeing... Then I started rapping.
I had/have potential to get a record deal (fuck what you heard)... Then came my senior year of high school and the thought of failing due to lack of a college education.
What happens to these deferred dreams? They're looked back on during nights like this. And they're spoken about when I'm on the phone with people and I feel like I do now.
"Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?"
It's 4 in the morning. And here I am... thinking of my life again.
I'm too tired to even think about this anymore. Much less blog about it. Fuck off.
As I always say, if any bitch nigga/bitch bitch wants to "clown on me" for this, don't waste your time. I openly admit all of this shit already. I AM A LOSER... I AM POOR... MY FAMILY DOESN'T LIKE ME... ETC. ETC. I don't even know why I even put these at the end, but I do anyways.