Never again.

"If spring can take the snow away...
Can it melt away all our mistakes?"

I wish this song would really come true.

"When I grab your neck
I touch your SOUL."

I'm odd.

I'm odd because I'm a shit-talking blogger.

I don't know why a lot of my posts are about this bitch. Then again, I always "fall" for the sluts, anyways.

Notice (in the below e-mail) how she said something along the lines of "No one will ever know the real story," or some bullshit like that. Umm... That's moderately accurate, because BOTH OF US are withholding the REAL story. I don't give a fuck if it gets me in trouble, either. If they ONLY knew... Bitch. I'll GLADLY tell him what ACTUALLY happened all those times... But will YOU tell HER? HA!

And all that malarkey about people wanting to "beat her ass..." Fuckouttahere with that, ho. AGAIN, it's a lose-lose for you, dun. If people are sending you messages, then you're a Facebook celebrity... If they didn't really send you the messages, then you LIED (like always, bitch).

"Even when you're winning, it's a lose-lose situation"

Um. What else?

No hate AT ALL... but I could've tricked all my money on you if I cared about you that much (at the time).

I'm sooooooo wrong for the whole "vaginal secretions" thing. Then again, you weren't skilled AT ALL. Do you kiss him with those lips? Oh, wait... You don't kiss, because, yeah... Phahahahaha!!! I win by default because you admitted that you were a ho. You tried. LOL. At least there's always the pictures.

Why am I mad if I think all this negative stuff about her? EASY. I don't get dissed.

So, I checked my e-mail, today.

I read this as I listen to "Bria's Interlude" by Drake and Omarion.

**********

I don't care anymore deadass.

I didn't make any mistake, your the one who made out with Kianna and was still fckng Aubrie.
So I just started talking back with him. Like you said "Play or be played" righhh?
So I really don't know why you buggin, you obviously didn't give a ish about me if you were out doing that.

righhhh? Like I seriously don't want you in my life anymore. You did some real mean ish to me that I will never accept
I would be the dumbest chick ever to keep you in my life.

No one knows the real thing as meaning, you your circus swear you have me figured out when you don't.
Your just as bad as Aubrie I swear.

Like I'm so serious when I say LEAVE ME ALONE.

I don't freaking care how hard it is. You act like you have to talk to me every friggin day dude.
I'll promise you one thing. I will talk to you once a week.. like for an hour or so..
I'm serious when I say that.. fck what you think. I'm just eliminating drama out my life and that's the only way I see it happening.

Until I change my number of course.

Duh those things bother me because none of that stuff is true. and there you fckn go brining up my gap again.
Fckng gosh man just LEAVE ME THE FCK ALONE. You keep bringing up this personal ish that pis$es me the FCK off.

LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M SERIOUS.

You never did appreciate any of the little simple nice things i did.. Like seriously.
If you did you wouldn't have pushed me away into someone else's arms.
Don't even bother to reply back or text me because I just put a flat out block on my phone, I'm sick of yours Aubries drama.
You keep texting calling me which is making her more pis$ed off and becoming more physco, now she's tryna fight the world.

Do me you a favor, lose my number, stop texting/calling me. just EVERYTHING.

STOP.

BYE FOREVER.

**********

And the whole message, she still didn't admit that she was a ho. Shit's crazy, dun. I guess all I have to say (again, and again, and again) is that it's not blackmail if I don't demand anything from her. Hmm. I WIN.

"Even when you're winning, it's a lose-lose situation..."

It's 12:30am...

Well, let's see.

My haircut sucks ass.
My face hurts because my barber pressed the clipper to hard on it (AS USUAL).
I'm still sick and I'm out of ibuprofen.
I'm ULTRA behind on school work.
I don't get to go to VA next week.
(Blank)

BUT...

The "Butterfly Effect" song is ILLIN'.
I get to go on a field trip tomorrow.
I HAVE A JOB.
I DON'T HAVE TO WALK TO SCHOOL.
I DON'T HAVE TO WALK HOME.
I bought some Auto Flights this weekend, and I was FRESH today.
I witnessed a rather entertaining fight today at school (sorry, I don't condone violence as a solution, but I find it quite hilarious when people get PWN3D after massive shit talking)

I think having a fucked haircut and temporary sub-par grades are surpassed by the good things.

Good night.

Reality Check... (Late night venting)

How I'm feeling right now... This quote is just stuck in my head.

"What happens to a dream deferred?"

That's on my mind for many reasons. If what I'm about to vent/rant/babble/etc. about seems irrelevant, who cares...

I'm 18 years old. I don't have anything. Sure, I have lots of material things. But, if you know me PERSONALLY, then you know that those things don't mean anything to me. Why do I get them, you ask? Maybe it's because those things are the only things that have ever given me positive attention in my life. I've been a loser all my life, but I've gotten attention for being different and wearing nice clothes (I've stopped overdressing lately, though). I don't feel good unless I have a $500+ outfit on. I watch too much TV. I went to a sneaker website and saw some shoes I've been anticipating the release of and just became so angry because I knew that the likelihood of me purchasing them is low. And I'm not afraid to admit that I'm broke because I never claimed to have extensive amounts of money, despite my expensive attire. Fuck the implications. I got rejected for 3 jobs this summer (I thought I deserved to get each of them, but whatever)... Since I saw those shoes, I applied for more jobs on the internet. If I don't get the job, it's nothing new to me. Then, I think... What would buying lots of clothes do for me? Confidence? The confidence would be wasted... because apparently no one knows me... And if no one knows me... You know where this is going. I don't know what else to do with money anymore.

So, I'm 18 years old. I have a growing goatee... A sex life (sorry, Mom)... Hopefully college bound in a few months... But I have to walk to school this week. And I have to walk home, too. I choose foot it in the morning because I'm too embarrassed to be dropped off in my step-father's work van... I have enough problems, and enough things that people can make fun of me about. I don't need one more insult added to their arsenal. Hmmm... Since my blog is public, I guess I just told everyone. Whatever. I feel ashamed to BE ashamed about the work van in the first place. I mean, I've NEVER really had much (except for when I lived with my dad), but I don't know. And it fckin' sucks that I can't complain about it because I'll get lectures such as, "When I was your age, I had to walk 5 miles in the snow, blah blah fucking blah." Just because your high school years were wack, doesn't mean mine have to be equally as bad. I need a car... Or at least I need to drive to school. Man, my year is going downhill.

Like I said earlier, I don't really have anything. I really dislike the people in my household... And they dislike me back. I put on the biggest front EVER on a day-to-day. And I hate it. It's faker than the smile I had when someone else was crowned homecoming king (pretty fckin' fake). I have no support in anything I do. I have to motivate myself to do everything. EVERYTHING. I know that they don't think I can go to a 4-year university, despite the numerous academic achievements I've received. The deadline for early entry college applications is coming soon (Nov. 1st), and I'm just starting my application process. I think I can make it... And I want to go to college... No, fuck that. I HAVE to go to college. I have to get the fuck out of here. I hate every "hood nigga" in Kansas City, Kansas and every "boss bitch" here, too. Washington, D.C. or Atlanta isn't going to be any better, but, hey. Whatever.

But... What DOES happen to a dream deferred?

Many of my dreams have been put on hold or eliminated because of various setbacks.

I had potential to be the valedictorian of my future graduating class... Then I experienced attraction to and from girls.
I had potential to be an NCAA basketball player. Then I came to Kansas City...
I had potential to be shirtless and not be ashamed of what people were seeing... Then I started rapping.
I had/have potential to get a record deal (fuck what you heard)... Then came my senior year of high school and the thought of failing due to lack of a college education.

What happens to these deferred dreams? They're looked back on during nights like this. And they're spoken about when I'm on the phone with people and I feel like I do now.

"Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?"

It's 4 in the morning. And here I am... thinking of my life again.

I'm too tired to even think about this anymore. Much less blog about it. Fuck off.

As I always say, if any bitch nigga/bitch bitch wants to "clown on me" for this, don't waste your time. I openly admit all of this shit already. I AM A LOSER... I AM POOR... MY FAMILY DOESN'T LIKE ME... ETC. ETC. I don't even know why I even put these at the end, but I do anyways.

Six slash eleven.

Some great things have been happening to me lately!

-I had an EXCELLENT interview with KPMG on Wednesday morning. I was the first interviewee, and I definitely set the bar at an almost unreachable level.

-Also on Wednesday, I FINALLY obtained my driver's license! I'm turning 18 in September, so I'm about two years late. Who cares, though, right?

-This summer program at Donnelly has made me realize the importance of being friendly the first time you meet someone. Also, I learn more about myself as I tell people about myself. That's always good. Hahaha.

-The aforementioned "great things" that have been occurring have given me a more optimistic mindset. This is definitely a plus, especially considering that I've had the negative-ist mindset since, well, birth.

BUT...

As I've come to realize... With all of these great things occurring, there's bound to be a greater amount of "not-so-great" things that happen (if they haven't happened already). Actually, it seems as if every time something good happens to me, two or more "not-so-good" things happen to me. When my situation FINALLY seems like it's gaining positive momentum, some stronger negative force bum rushes everything, leaving me further back than when I started. Quite frankly, I have gotten used to this trend. And it sucks. Big time. But what can I do, huh? This issue bothers me SO MUCH that I'm not getting into detail with it (if that makes sense). Sue me.

Ugh, man.

My whole situation is fucked. Up, that is.

(In no particular order)

1. I'm almost certain that I'm having a bacterial relapse... So I may have strep throat AGAIN.
2. ^^^That pisses me off so much that it takes up one more slot.
3. That whole "her" and "him" situation is getting to me. I don't know what to do. (Just for the record, I honestly don't give a fuck if I'm a hater or jealous. It doesn't bother me AT ALL.)
4. ^^^ Again, it takes up two slots.
5. I STILL DON'T HAVE A FREAKING CELL PHONE. Something tells me that #3 wouldn't be as serious as it is if I still had a cellular device (WITH texting, nigga).

That's all I can think of at the moment. Or, that's the MAJOR issues with me at the moment.

But...

Since I'm on my new, POSITIVE ish, I'll make a top 3 "good things" list...

1. I'm alive.
2. I could've died when those two niggaz tried to rob me last July 4th.
3. I can still rap better than [probably] every unsigned person you know (FUCK WHAT YOU HEARD).

Pretty cynical, huh? I know.

But, as I look on the bright side, I see all of the academic achievements I achieved from the preceding school year... The internship I could possibly get... AND the mixtape that I just completed is getting mostly (damn near all) positive feedback. Bitches. LMFAO @ that bitch ass nigga that said, "rappin is not yo game. you need a fuckin life man" Hahahahaha! Suck dick.

I'm 'bout to make cheese fries (even though I'm not hungry... at all... whatsoever).

Deuces like what people in pick up basketball call out when they score the tying bucket 14-14.

Whaaaaaaatever...

After watching Seven Pounds when I was severely ill last week, I attempted to change my ways and be nicer to people... Unfortunately, some people [of a certain race] you just can't be nice to. It's impossible.

I'm just gonna let people find out drastic information on their own. I'm officially done with it.

Oh, and if [she] gets mad at me for this... All I can say is, "HOW IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT WHEN YOU TOLD ON ME OVER SOME BULLSHIT?" Exactly, it's NOT.

All I have to say about this whole situation is...

Mah-mah-say...
Mah-mah-sah...
Mah-mah-koo-sah...

Whoopsie!

I "accidentally" spilled the whooooole thing.
I refuse to let my cousin get played like a sucka by this chick. And, no homo, my cousin, he's good to his ladies (pause).
I mean, I may have gotten frustrated at times and whatnot, but that's in the past. Hopefully he can respect that I have his back on this kind of thing. AND, the niggaz she are fuckin' around with are uber-suckaz. D to tha L don't play that.

Oh, and yesterday, I played basketball with my niggaz Dirky, J-Wade, and my cuz of course. My body hurts. And I forgot to take one dose of my antibiotics. If I have a bacterial relapse, I may just have to commit suicide. I'm tired of being sick.

Anywho, I'm definitely going to have a busy weekend. I have to record 20 songs and do probably 12-15 assignments. Based off of past experiences, I'm most likely not getting to the 12-15 assignments. Whaaaaaatever.

I'm thinking about my dearest Shi Reeves look-a-like... LMAO! I'm not perverted. Haha.

I'm going going gone like a home run.

It's official.

I'm officially right about EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING! Pissed is an understatement.
If these fuckin' people would listen to me from the start, then they wouldn't have these issues or look idiotic, dimwitted, etc.
And then these people act as if it just happens this way... I predicted it! I'm not exactly what you would call "psychic," but I have enough common sense to predict the [extremely obvious] near future.

I know it's almost 12:00am, but I just noticed how the previous school day put everything in perspective for me. I've always been somewhat of a loner, and now I guess I see it now more than ever. Perhaps it's because these people hate to see someone (me) right? And because I'm different? And I've always been overshadowed by others in some way, even though I was the innovator. AND... just because I'm not saying nigger (pardon me) type shit such as "point" and "cuzz," doesn't make me less of a human. In fact, it makes me MORE of a human.

A couple of songs on my mixtape will highlight some of these issues I have with these things I deal with in my life. No questions asked.

Thought Process...
They Say...

There's a few more, but they focus on other issues such as me hating certain situations I'm in, people starting ish, and (my favorite topic) people hating on me. This mixtape is doing a lot for me therapeutically.

Good night (but not really).

I hate high school...

I just got home from school...
Not in the happiest of moods at the moment...

You only go through high school once, and I realize this... But what I DIDN'T realize was how much drama, ignorance, stupidity, and (sorry, everyone) niggerness that high-school has to offer (until recently). Okay, I've put myself in a some of these predicaments, but whatever...

Here's the top two that I can think of right now...

1. All of these laptop "rappers" - pause... for those of you who do not know, that term defines a [usually crappy] emcee who constantly tries to be the next Lil Wayne, Gucci Mane, Soulja Boy etc. by recording [usually crappy] songs on their school issued MacBook computer. I record music on my laptop, and for two main reasons: 1) I would rather not use money on studio time, especially since I am currently unemployed. 2) I openly ADMIT that I use my laptop and don't have money like that. - The issue I have with these peons is that they think they're all that and then they send diss tracks to various rappers. I was a target of one of these tracks (I'm not getting into detail, because this individual is not worth having even {this much} space on my blog). The result, in a nutshell, was me completely obliterating this person on an a'cappella response, then this person starting getting ridiculous, spreading rumors and whatnot. I don't even fuckin' like Maino, but... HI, [retarded, ugly, morbidly obese] Hater! And, hi, [failure in life, non-fresh, every day relationship advice seeking, trying to fight but you go to church bi-weekly] Hater! That's all I'm saying about this situation unless further provoked. I'm done with it.

2. Relationship issues - I don't really feel like typing right now, so, long-story short, a girl has people watching me while she's not around. How [insert word of frustration here] is that!? I'm sick and tired of walking the hallways looking around to see if I'm being watched. This has been going on for a few months, and, quite frankly, it's getting extremely old.

...I'm seriously considering leaving this God-forsaken school in favor of a mostly Caucasian school.

I'm out like baggy clothes (I'll vent on style at another time).

Hold up!

Why the fuck am I getting frustrated for anyways? I'm me! Hahaha... In a few years, I'll be blogging about having too many groupies! *Thinks* AND, I got these! (Pictured below)Who cares if I overpaid, I still have them...